


Phil Coulson Meets The Red Grouper

by Canuck_Lex



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Fish Puns, Fluff and Humor, Inspired by Twitter, M/M, Misuse of a fish, Not Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Compliant, Nudity, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Phil Coulson Needs a Hug, Red Grouper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-25 19:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16203761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canuck_Lex/pseuds/Canuck_Lex
Summary: Every so often the Avengers are tapped for charitable work, PR work, and sometimes both.Phil Coulson wonders how HE got stuck with THIS one.And the fish isn't talking...





	Phil Coulson Meets The Red Grouper

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Clark Gregg's recent work (and related tweets) with Our Fish. Find them on the web at our.fish.
> 
> Also, Coulson’s “discovery” as an Avenger has been borrowed from scifigrl47’s Toasterverse. No other association is meant (and hopefully she doesn't mind the inspiration).

"I love the colour, Sir." smirked Clint. "It really brings out your..."  
  
"Don't finish that statement, **Barton** , or you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight."  
  
Phil readjusted his grip on the red grouper. He wasn't concerned about his current lack of clothing. He had, in the past, done more than just stand around with a fish in the nude.

The fact that the rest of the Avengers were here made things a little awkward, he had to admit. At least JARVIS had pumped up the temperature so it was comfortable.  
  
As everyone snickered, Phil sighed.  
  
"Fury is going to have kittens when he finds out I'm the one doing the picture for **Our Fish**. I mean, what part of _secret_ agent don't you get?"  
  
"Don't you mean he’ll have guppies? Come on, Agent..." laughed Tony. "You haven't been _'secret'_ for awhile now. I mean, ever since I dropped you with a flamethrower when the Doombots surrounded Cap, and CNN caught it on live feed..."  
  
"Thanks for that, again by the way, Coulson." added Steve.  
  
Phil's ears went pink.  
  
"Everyone knows you're one of us. They just don't know your name." finished Bruce, swirling around on the chair.  
  
"Then why me for this?” Phil groaned. "I mean, any of you could..."  
  
Tony shook his head.  
  
"Nuh uh. The only thing I know about sustainable fishing is whether the sushi restaurant has that little blue check on the menu. And the world has already seen me in all my glory...”  
  
"And besides, he promised to double the SI donation if they picked you..." snickered Natasha.  
  
Phil glared at Tony, who grinned at him unrepentantly.  
  
"Can't hide your tazer in that outfit..." he said sweetly, batting his eyelashes.  
  
Clint choked on his laughter.

Natasha picked up the thread.  
  
"Steve's out...seems that some people had problems with America's National Icon posing behind a codfish."  
  
Steve went bright red.  
  
"That too..." Tony chuckled.   
  
"Clint was a maybe, until pictures of him spearfishing a couple of years ago hit the papers."  
  
Phil raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Now, those were good pictures..."  
  
Clint flushed.  
  
"Yeah, but given I was trying to keep us alive at the time? Fury's still trying to find out who took them, let alone released them to the tabloids..." snarked Clint.  
  
Phil looked at Bruce, who spread his hands apologetically.  
  
"Sorry, Coulson. The big guy's not too fond of fish."  
  
There was one Avenger left. Phil looked at Natasha.  
  
She lifted one eyebrow, and said nothing.  
  
Phil didn’t feel like dying that day. He shrugged and turned his attention back to Clint.  
  
"Not saying they **didn't** ask her." his lover responded. "But the first guy wasn't very...umm...diplomatic about it."  
  
"SHIELD is springing for his hospital expenses." Fury informed them, coming in with the photography and makeup team from the group.  
  
Phil glared at him.  
  
"And what are you doing here, sir?"  
  
Fury smirked.  
  
"Me, Cheese? I'm here for the _halibut_..."  
  
As Phil groaned, Tony's eyes lit up.  
  
"Fish puns? We get to do **FISH** puns??"  
  
"Oh no. No, you do not, **STARK**..."  
  
"Oh, come on, Phil," grinned Nat, as the photographers fussed with the lighting. "Don't leave him _floundering_..."  
  
"Nat..."  
  
Clint smirked, and Phil's eyes narrowed.  
  
"Not you too..."  
  
"You're going to need to speak up, Sir. I'm a little hard of _herring_..."  
  
The collective groan that went up rocked the room.  
  
"You know," mused Bruce. "We could use a little music in here..."  
  
Phil's heart sank. Even Banner? This wasn't going to be good.  
  
"I'm thinking a little _sole_?" Bruce asked innocently.  
  
"OK,  that's offsides." objected Steve.  
  
"Thank you!" said Phil fervently.  
  
"Besides, given your usual choice of music," Steve continued, turning to the Avenger's handler, "I would've guessed _Salmon_ Chanted Evening..."  
  
Phil facepalmed while the others roared.  
  
"What's the matter, Agent? You got a _haddock_?" asked Tony, as the mirth subsided.  
  
"All right," said the photographer, a stern looking frail old man. "Everyone not in front of the camera, out!"  
  
"Aww..." Tony complained. "But take away the man's suits...what'll happen if AIM or HYDRA stumbles in?"  
  
Clint lifted an eyebrow.  
  
"The last time I saw Phil fight like this...he took out 5 HYDRA goons, blew up their base, and made it six miles back to the getaway car."  
  
Phil smirked.  
  
"And then he got dressed." finished Natasha. "Come on Stark, let's give the guys some privacy."  
  
As Fury turned to leave, Phil caught his eye.  
  
_I'll get you for this_ , he mouthed.  
  
Fury grinned.  
  
_Remember those snakes on the plane?_ he mouthed back.  
  
Phil winced. That was 15 years ago, and he thought he and May had gotten away with it.  
  
"Revenge **is** sweet..." Fury tossed over his shoulder as he left.  
  
He really should warn Melinda at some point, Phil thought.  
  
Clint moved up to his partner.  
  
"Seriously, you OK with this?"  
  
"Might as well..." Phil sighed.  
  
Clint grinned.  
  
"Ask if you can keep the fish. I want to stuff it and hang it in the..."  
  
" **COUCH** , Barton."  
  
"Aww...Phil...you know you love me."  
  
"That I do..."  
  
As Clint leaned in for a kiss, the photographer cleared his throat.  
  
"Excuse me...could you remove..."  
  
"What?" Clint asked, then considered the scene.  
  
"Yeah, these don't really work."  
  
Clint carefully reached out and removed Phil's shades.  
  
"Well, now that really makes you pop, Sir."  
  
" **OUT** , Barton."  
  
Clint kissed Phil's cheek, and followed his teammates out.  
  
"We were thinking, Agent, perhaps cuddling with the grouper..." floated from out behind him.

“ **CUDDL**...”

The door closed firmly shut.

Clint's eyes gleamed. He couldn't wait to see these photos.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully, this made someone smile. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


End file.
